"Things Aren't Going Very Well"--Woke Early

I got books at the library for my son yesterday and when I walked in this man came out staring at me and said, "Things aren't going very well for you are they?"

On the way over I was followed by the Attorney General, Anne McIntosh, who well, didn't follow, but passed by me very slowly, laughing in my direction. She was by herself.

I woke up at exactly 3 a.m. because I immediately looked at the clock and this was the time.

I called my Ex because he had contacted me after the Chile earthquake and then I missed calling him back several times. He then called me in the middle of the night or morning once and I never returned the call. I just hit star 69 and found it was him who called.

My feeling is that he cared at least about my son, more than some of the other people in this whole town, who just allow abuse to continue. So I think he's pissed and I think he decided to be with someone else and he hasn't seen me in a long time, so I don't think he's even attached anymore. But I figure if he would call in the middle of the night, and if he was willing, just a month ago, to get back together and even move over here, I might want to find out why.

Obviously, some people never wanted us to marry. Others, wanted to force it practically. He acted like he would get back with me after I told someone I loved him. I can't say I understand things, or his culture and way of doing things, but I think he didn't always want me to know how much he cared.

However, there are other questions. I don't know why, if he cared so much about my son, he would take things all the way up to the last minute and then give info to someone else which wasn't good for me.

All I know, is that at least the Colombians were willing to help and help my son even if they also wanted to look out for their own community. Here, I've had zero help. If you call jerking me around with housing and work help, I beg to differ. On the other hand, I don't like feeling pressured into doing anything.

I would rather see if I can work things out with him then start dragging out more shit about people, which is my only other option. I have wanted to postpone marriage of any kind until I was on my feet but there is no possible way to do this and that has been made clear. I cannot get on my feet when I am this harassed and subjected to other things which affect my ability to think clearly, which cause my feet and legs to swell up, affect my heart, cause my nails to warp, and the like and then I see the same things happening to my own son. It's disgusting and no one here is doing a thing about it. I also know that even if he later may have wanted to be self protective, he was the only one to say I wasn't mentally ill and to vouch for me whereas NO ONE here is willing to stand up for me in that way. I have a serious problem with people who try to label me and ruin my reputation by saying I'm mentally ill to excuse their own actions, and at least he did not do this.

As for some other things going on, I am sure I could get into it if I need to. But I don't think it's necessary at this point even if I've come close to getting into details. Some things I've written are true and other things are not true and that's what I have always maintained.

It's been more my fault with him, in keeping in touch because when I was able to call I didn't and when he said to call him at a certain time so we could talk, I never did or would forget and I think this was insulting even if I didn't mean for it to be. I would say let's try to work it out and then never call because I would still be thinking and trying to do things on my own. I don't think he liked this.

I still wonder about a thing or two, which makes me think about, I don't know, what it takes to cause a blister in an area where the skin is not being chafed. Blisters are caused by irritation and yet it's a curious thing when there is no explanation for the cause of irritation and one develops blisters anyway. What is even stranger, is when a blister occurs on more than one occasion but in apparent connection with, possibly, the same irritating cause. I would think that blisters should occur on a party that was chaffed and sore, not on an unsuspecting party. Once a blister develops in the same manner, in this apparent connection, it makes one wonder then if there was ever any hope at all, if this is the mark one is left with, for a parting gift. I'm talking about when it is possible to leave a blister just one time, on a part of the foot that is never rubbed raw to begin with. So little things, such as wondering why one is getting an injury when they didn't ever think they were on hard terrain, is a question I mull over. Like breaking a leg when there was never a fall. Why should anyone end up with a broken leg without explanation? It makes one wonder if they had a fall while sleepwalking maybe, to suddenly wake up one morning with a leg in a cast and no recollection of having gone into a hole to begin with.

I still think I have my share of questions but I am not perfect and what I care about is my son and my life as well. I care about how to rectify situations, about making wise decisions, and about trying to find good in the bad.
*********
I feel disappointed by my family in the sense that they are not supportive of me in the way I feel they should be, as family. I would never prejudice a case or situation the way this has happened in my case, or alienate my own family, try to have them in jail or left without bail, or make claims about mental illness to cover myself. I wouldn't do these things and I wouldn't make promises I never planned to keep, nor would I give a silent treatment or form of archaic social punishment for whatever offenses. I love my family though and always hope they will come around in a demonstrable way and show others as well, that they do not tolerate my being bullied. I feel my family should have and should be listening to me far more than they do--rather than trusting total strangers who do not love them or care and who will use flattery and sympathy to pull them apart from me, as if abrasive honesty is something to disown one over.
***********
I feel best about the idea of doing everything on my own, and getting my son back and going forward in this way and then adding things to my life, but how long can I stand to see this happen to my son when he wants to be with his mother? If I have no options left, then really, I'm sure I will be in exile somewhere, because everything about this social system is wrong.

What I am living in, is a scenario from "Lord of the Flies". It's like communism is "bad" on a political level, but on a social level, it is pushed. Why did I never notice this before? Well, I want to say communism but that would mean that all are equal and that's not the case. I guess more of a dictatorship then--where there is no free will but only chance.
************
I would pretty much trust Will W. but he's an asshole too. Do I think he'd do what he could for my son, honestly? Yes, but he is also preoccupied and then wanted to throw things at me as if I had a big opportunity or chance that I passed up. At least I know and trust he wouldn't do me harm or my son any harm either, not even if someone tried to bribe him. He wouldn't try to set me up to go to jail, or do anything devious and he knows me and my character. Even if I never talk to him, ever. I still know there are certain people who I could trust on a basic level. Then again, sometimes one is shocked later in life, with others you knew forever or thought you could trust, who betray that trust. Sometimes even family or good friends don't hold up the way you think they would and sometimes almost strangers will do some incredible things, never expecting to see any reward for it, in a selfless way.
************
I guess it comes to this: I feel pressured to marry Alvaro as the only way of keeping myself and my son from being harmed and spared from the use of the technology which has been used against us.

It began or started up in Wenatchee and then my son was also targeted. It continued into Canada a couple of times we were targeted. Then it quit for the rest of the time in Canada and then it also wasn't an issue in Washington state near the border or while I worked at the BP oil refinery. I didn't have a problem in D.C. until later, and then around the time of my pregnancy, and only after it was known I was pregnant, did I start having some of the same problems. Then it wasn't an issue for 3 months after my Ex left and then it was back to the same thing, but if people didn't know where I was living, it wasn't an issue at first. I have seen the effects on my son as well and no one is doing anything about it. I feel that the U.S. should be getting involved and feel that if they are already, they have been part of the problem and need to reverse what is going on. My son and I are not guinea pigs and we are also not pawns in a political game. We are people who deserve to be protected and able to live normal and healthy lives, and be together without dishonest and manipulative influence.

I deserve, and my son deserves, to live freely, and we do not have to join this social system to survive. It is my son and he and I want to be together and if the rest of you want to do your thing, fine, but we wish to be exempt and would choose to live where there is no punishment for choosing authentic liberty.