I don't like what is going because now I have people pointing out I put the bunny in the No.2 canyon, and some guy telling me all about McKenzie and saying she was beat up. How did anyone know that? I thought police didn't give out details. Anyway, I was thinking that on a grander scale, "2" represented something nice in some way, not depressing.
What I think is strange is that police say she made all these phone calls to people but THOSE people were "cleared". That sounds like serious b.s. to me.
No one mistakenly calls a number that many times.
As soon as I read that in the paper, I thought it sounded like a prime example of police wanting to cover for others. I think someone got the idea that they didn't want to reveal others for something.
If someone is panicked, they might call a number mistakenly. She called these numbers throughout the day though, before she was ever missing. So she was calling these numbers for a reason, and knowing very little about the games people play here, but knowing enough about how corrupt and joined-in this town is, something was obviously "up".
Then I am talking to this guy about the bunny and the bunny was absolutely fine. If it wasn't, it would be in the same location thereabouts. I checked and the bunny was gone so it's happily off or found. I only checked because I didn't want it to be shivering or cold but to me, it symbolized setting me and my own son free.
That is what I intended by it. None of this other representational stuff or gaming. I don't care what anyone else thinks it "means"--I know exactly what I had in mind when I did it and what it meant, and it was to symbolize me and my son being free of harassment and lies and torture.
It had nothing to do with a man of any kind or anything to do with #1 or #2, but only represented how faith is a free gift, and how it is what buys salvation. For me, what that was to mean was symbolic of letting me and my son be free of being held back, not by my family, but by others who have been far worse and who are the real cause of trouble and disappointment.
So I was demonstrating, by putting the bunny out there, how I paid for this bunny with the last bit of money I had (literally, and I used coins to find the rest of the money) and then set it free like the dolphins in that dolphin movie.
I was also willing to spend the last bit of money I had to make my son happy, even if for a couple of hours and then willing to pay money again to get him another one if he could have one. So it was demonstrating where my heart is--that I love nothing more than giving my son whatever I can, even if it is for a short time, I will spend whatever it takes to buy a short time of happiness and fun for him.
I find it rather disturbing to then have someone bring up McKenzie references as I'm checking on the bunny to be sure everything is okay.
And then, I saw someone driving by in a white tee shirt and followed by a car and then first person looked like my Dad and that was weird. There were a bunch of people outside in white, as if to symbolize something bad and this is all just a bunch of freaky shit.
Also, when I was outside, someone with a gun fired 7 shots into the air nearby and then 3 shots and did it with such repetition it was clear it was for some kind of point to be made. It wasn't random firing.
I took the bunny out where I did, which was not far from where I used to live, because I used to go walking in the general area and knew there were lots of bunny and deer droppings so it could be with others. The guy who took me out there seemed nice enough but I don't know because really, he was saying things like "If you want water for the bunny, there's a pool" but he wasn't joking. It was more like he was making fun of ME.
As for my father, I seriously question what people have been trying to do to my family. Because I remember even on the East Coast, something really freaky once, where someone had me watch a part of a movie that was just disturbing about how some father was told to kill himself if he wanted to save his daughter and so he shoots himself. I think about that now and wonder why my family is a big deal at all and why so many bad things have happened. I also know my family should not trust people they think they can trust because some have tried to get close just to tear family apart.
For example, when my mother wrote me an email which was really horrible, I was extremely hurt, but I don't blame HER as much as I wonder who the hell was trying to influence my own mother to turn on her daughter. My mom told me there was some friend she had at a prayer group who gave her advice on what to do. I thought what kind of woman is this? and found out she "prayed" with my mom to get information out of her about our relationship and my family. Then, she would feed my mother's ego and then told my mom to disown me and let me know she didn't love me anymore. So this was a "friend" of my mom's and I just think my mother, being flattered as some will flatter and sympathize and stoke the fire, listened to her and thought it was right. It's the sick friend I question, who was taking advantage of being privy to family secrets.
I have seen this happen with others in my family too, even when people in my family have not been loyal to me--I may write about some things, but I have been far more loyal and willing to go out on a limb for everyone. I am the one who, at the heart of it, is trustworthy--not these others who manipulate and pretend for their own advantage. I think I am like a Cordelia--not saying what people like to hear but generally being very sincere and the one to depend upon.
And I mean that about my father and brother as much as my mother. It is unfortunate that a few in my own family have worked against me. Still, when all the bad stuff began to happen, it wasn't my family. It was others.
A few joined in later but others have really tried to fester and stir things up. And I say this speaking from all the angles and sides.
I believe I am a generous, loyal, and sensitive person who is more willing to forgive than most ever are and this has been a fault because I mistakenly have allowed some into my life who were not good for me. I still don't always know who my enemy is, and I will defend myself no matter who it's against, but I feel sorry for a lot of people that they are so willing to get their own "dig" in when I'm already bullied. I mean, what satisfaction is there, in being a part of the "action"? Evidentally, it is not difficult to come by, because it seems to feed something.
I have people getting close to me and then looking to everyone else for approval for their role in my life, good or bad. I feel that if you want to get close to me, look me in the eye and get to know me for who I am, not for what others want you to accomplish through your contact with me. I don't need people in my life who are always looking for the approval of others or some kind of payback or communal nod. I don't need people sharing my life with others or getting confidential information from me either. If someone is really sincere, and I don't find this very often anymore, they are interested in getting to know me for what THEY and I think. What WE think about each other is what tells the truth. If you have to look around for whatever it is you think will be gained or lost from others, then I don't want that kind of person in my life. I don't want gamers who are getting close to me for some kind of game. For my son and I, I choose sincerity, and this is exceedingly difficult to come by.
I write about things, but I don't talk behind others' backs and I don't gossip in whispers either. If I have something to say, I might say too much in my blog, but at least you can trust me to not shoot you down when you're not looking. I don't think I'm devious. I feel that I have a lot of faults and they're known by most people, but I am not plotting and scheming to screw people over and ruin lives nor am I trying to be a social climber nor am I trying to do anything other than live a halfway normal life.
What makes it abnormal are the lengths some have gone to, to put obstacles in my way. Aside from this, I am a cheerful and giving person and like people from all kinds of backgrounds, and my own purpose in life is to be the best mother that I can be and true to myself as an independent woman too. And as loyal as I can be to God as well without cheapening my faith or the faith of others.
Today was a day where everything hinged on inside comments, most of them bad or mocking and I just get tired of that.
Anyway. Ramble, ramble.
I have had someone doing that burning thing again and I'm not appreciative. I'd like to know why this mainly happens when the "red" color is out and symbolizing stuff. My son sometimes is better, I guess, but I'm not. And then I never have a problem when I have people symbolizing yellow except sometimes it's like someone went after my son more, or if it's about blue or something or I see more of this represented and I have wondered what this is about. I guess sometimes, it just depends. Maybe I have a few friends in each group but a lot of enemies too, in general.
I also don't want my putting a bunny to be freed to symbolize ANYTHING for any group or person unless I guess, it's good for me and my son and maybe my Dad too. I don't want my family to be suffering for what others have always done. I don't want to suffer anymore or my son to suffer and I don't want my Dad or anyone else to suffer.
I also went out there to check on the bunny because I thought, what if someone tries to make someone go out into the wild in the cold and rain, as the human figure for the bunny? Seriously, stranger things happen in this town and I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone so I just checked and everything was fine. There were lots of tender blades of grass and yellow flowers everywhere and nice trees. I went to both sides of the road to find a place.
My son didn't seem brainwashed today, in general. Just tired and his eyes dark underneath, and the eczema which I thought was very sad that someone did that to him and I know someone did this because he never had it before. Never.
When I went to that healing room, I thought they were pretty sincere. I want good things for my Dad and for my family in general and for them to be able to support me without repercusion. I feel that my Dad, even if he's sometimes been misguided, has had my best interests at heart and I've seen both him and my mother plead with someone almost in fear, over me.
I've seen two men cry over me, in my presence, but maybe they're good actors. I've seen others crying too, but I don't know who they are. Then a lot of people just faking. I'm not sure who is a fan and who's a faker sometimes. I see people with a seeming false finger to their eye over sausage links and wonder what in the world. Is it mockery or a pretense to ascertain the thoughts and feelings of others? how should I know?
I am thankful for a few people who have given me some inside information and I wouldn't dare to share it with anyone. Like, who is giving out certain bits of information about me to others. I do my own background check on it to see if it's not just misleading, but I do check it. I have a lot of false leads thrown my way. But I am deeply indebted to those who are really helping and I should have tried to figure out a little bit more, earlier. A lot I still don't know, but I had a couple of good friends try to slip a discreet "7" to let me know somehow and I didn't pick up on it.
Okay, so there's been this thing about "3" and "4" too and then this lady comes in and says she doesn't get anything with "3 dimes" so she may as well go for quarters. I
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