standing outside the fire--no offense intended

i was going to sing tonight and instead, i decided to play garth brooks, who came up and i played "stand outside the fire" 4 times and left.

i did it mainly thinking not about romance, but thinking about all of those, in a kind of allegory, who stand outside of what my son and i have gone through, and passed judgment, or who have stood by, doing nothing, while my son and i get burned.

there are plenty who help and take risk and do what they can, but i felt a little pissed at the cockiness, not of anyone there at the bar, but of the cockiness of those who have stood by doing nothing and thought they were superior to me or ignored what was happening, and not once, having gone through any real challenge or torture in their entire lives.

i was going to sing, but was tired and just wanted to go home. i found the one song, and had no intention of making any point when i sat down. i just saw that song and then ended up pressing it 4 times so i didn't have to take more time choosing other songs. it wasn't planned==just spontaneous.

then i was walking home and got this impression again, like all of a sudden someone sent me an intimate impression. i can't get away from it. when it comes up it is very real. this is powerful meeting of the psychic minds but only some will ever know what i'm referring to. still a little fuzzy and not thinking that this is it but "met your match?" yeah, you fucking met your match mate.

not that it means anything important other than that someone has a real gift. fucker. lucky you how you can use that to your advantage at will.

so i was walking along to get there and this guy walked in front of me and i said in passing, "on your left, on your left, approaching on your left" and he looked and said, "you again. another redhead." I said, "what? stops traffic?" then i said, and i don't know why, "what have you got in there? a nutcracker and a pina colada?" gesturing to his black plastic bag from the gas station store. he said, "no, two beers."

anyway, i didn't mean to offend anyone with garth brooks replays. i didn't know what else to choose and was tired and ready to go back. i was thinking about singing gwen stefani's hollaback girl or something but just too tired and then thinking about walking about late wasn't appealing. i love that spot though, it's one of my favorites. i guess i should have just left some plays for someone else to choose instead of replays. next time, if so, will keep that in mind.

i got to a talk to a bunch of nice construction guys and had dinner, and talked to some other people and kids, which was fun. i enjoyed seeing a lot of people today.

i signed up for general assistance but only under migraine, not mental illness, so this is fine for now. it's not slanderous or anything and doesn't affect anything in a negative way but i'm proud of myself for checking more closely and going back to be sure about things. when i did, they erased some negative language that was theere about me so i did a fine print check which i should have done first time around.

i also went to this place my mother and father (mom especially) wanted me to go to. i did it to "honor" my mother and father, in the sense that i wouldn't really go but i did it out of respect for their wishes so i went in. there were people there when they are not usually there and i had been getting this idea to go there all day for some reason so i did. they prayed for me and my son and gave me a good scripture as well, one i really like. i really hope that it was meaningful for turning something around, like this woman thought it was, because i really, really, need a miracle. my son needs a miracle.

going to bed.