Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter

I tried to write a poem this morning, starting with "God be my guide" but there was nothing remotely creative about it.

The medication someone has doped me with has taken away my personality and my creativity.

Every single day now, when I wake up, I make plans to leave the U.S. I think about leaving mainly to have some other country test me for unknown substance and medications. It is impossible for me to be treated fairly in TN, with their laws allowing for medication at any time someone presents to the hospital no matter who they are. My own family is not thrilled about TN medical community or care and have advised me not to go here when they already did what they did.

I also don't know that I will find another place though I have been looking into a Presbyterian hosptial for the test.

I also sent for my medical records with the lab from when I was tested for arsenic poisoning in WA, when I did the hair sample, and they had been refusing to release this to me for the longest time but they are sending it now and supposedly there was some kind of medication that was coming up but it wasn't arsenic. But I was told over the phone, at least, that it was something unusual.

I know beyond any shadow of doubt that I have been repeatedly medicated and doped up. And I am absolutely, 100%, determined to be tested for it. There is no "if" but "when" and I will research what labs in other countries might do this for me and then go there.

I wake up and think throughout the day, only about getting records. My son, and getting records, and how soon I will be able to leave to get tested for medications to prove this and how it's been affecting my life and my ability to handle lawsuits and the smallest things and has been done to de-personalize me and discredit me.

When I was sitting on the floor at the bookstore, and after I had thought about this phrase, "The magnets are firmly inside the pawns" and then looking back at the English flag and then thinking about how I had been tortured and followed all that day or night, I then opened up this Stuart Little book I got for my son and flipped to the end and it talks about how he is taking a direction and it feels right. I am not planning to stay in any other country but I am going to go there specifically to be tested for an unknown substance and maybe even use my entire length of hair too (it's down to waist). I want bloodwork, hair analysis, and if I have to give up a molar to prove what has happened to me and my son, I will be happier than plum pudding to do it. I have no clue why plum pudding came to mind, but um...yeah, anyway. Oh Happy Easter. I looked up plum pudding and the wiki says it's not uncommon to make a plum pudding on Christmas to be eaten on Easter.

And I feel so mortified that these things have been done to me, I know without any shadow of doubt that God wants me to have Full Discovery.

This morning I looked up Oswald Chambers from "" (by RBC which prints The Daily Word or Bread, which is something my Granny read all the time). It says, "Do not rejoice in this; that the spirits are subject to you." Luke 10:20 and then it talks about with the great power we have to lead by action and not words. I was thinking the very thing last night. Last night I asked to read something or make use of the time while waiting for a bus after work and I got, after having an interesting day to say the least, something about...let me find it...Isaiah 54:9, and it talks about how this is like the days of Noah when God promised there would never be another flood like that, and how God is no longer angry and it extends a blessing. I read it several times and felt like it meant something, after having a weird day but having tried to honor God (even if I'm not perfect and don't try to be perfect in my humanity). From v. 9 to 17 and I read it over and over. Then I was reading about Paul and Silas being thrown in prison after casting a demon out of a woman who made money for people by correctly and truthfully (accurately) predicting the future. And then, as I was sitting there with this older black man who was talking to me, I asked God in the middle, if there was anything to share with me and I opened my Bible at random, and it said, "Treat the elderly men with respect as you would your own father." So I did. I sat and listened, until he said something about how giving a kid liquor at 13 would keep them from being a "little Bobby in and out of juvie." My Dad wasn't like that, at all, but the fact that he used the name Bobby when this was my Dad's name when he was little, was enough for me. I respect God and I also respect God giving me the common sense to leave if someone is not giving me the same respect that I am trying to give them. If you disrespect my family, you do not have my ear.

I then had some rude women mocking what I had told my mother on the phone last night and the fact that so many people were making a big deal about things, was concerning to me. It means I have zero privacy. So something I was going to share only with my Mom and Dad went to everyone else. And this morning, these 2 women went together to mock me over this, one from the U.S. and one possibly from a British ruled colony. I asked the woman what her name was and she had an accent. I asked what accent and she said she was from "Belgium" but her accent was Carribean. Which is possibly part of the Commonwealth.

I told my mother last night (may as well share since people have spread it around anyway) about getting this weird mark on my forehead last night and how I hadn't had any opportunity to cut myself at all, on anything, not even by mistake. So I was telling her I didn't know what to make of it and at first I was thinking, "William of Wales" and explained briefly why to my mom, bc of something I read. Then I told her I also thought of the Passover. (I also had many good laughs throughout the day over this because I kept thinking about how I been striding to work with this serious look on my face and a big bloody mark on my forehead and this man stopped his car and stared. He was a black man and he was just staring and I snapped, in a way, sort of said in a firm not quite sarcastic but dry way with a totally straight face, "HAPPY PASSOVER." Like I was pissed to be marked, like Jonah to the Ninevites. He just stared and I walked briskly past, not turning around. It's like something Chris Dabney would say, sarcastically.) So I was telling my mom this and that I even wondered if it was from a bad source, that this happened on my face and then I thought, no it couldn't be, because of what happened next. I also told her about this Marie Rose that had a crown of thorns from stigmata and it was about suffering with Jesus and identifying somehow. But I told my mom I thought maybe it was from a good source. Even if what people did with it later was evil, the original process was pure and good.

Because next I was reading all this stuff about bowing and prostrating to the Lord so finally I did, and usually when I pray I just kneel or pray in any posture at all, eyes open or not. But I got on my knees and then thought, well, go the extra mile I guess, so I laid all the way down on this dirty bathroom floor. So I laid all the way out on this bathroom floor but it was a process. First I just had my bag behind me and I was kneeling and bowed down my face as I kneeled to pray to God and Christ alone. Then, the second part was, "Cameo, it said bow and prostrate. Prostrate yourself before God." So I did. I just extended from where I was and laid out and put my arms outstretched above me and I'm not sure why I did this with my arms, but they were all the way out in front of me, above my head, and then crossed at the wrists with my hands in fists. Like my right fist going to the left and left fist going to the right. I kept my face from touching the floor and then decided no, humble yourself and put your nose on this dirty floor. And then when I did I suddenly realized something. I had been praying and then all of a sudden, when I put my nose on the floor, I suddenly realized, or felt God was showing me, now notice your feet. And all of a sudden I realized my one foot was fully extended but my other foot didn't have room because of my bag at my feet and it was angled at the exact same angle of the mark on my forehead. I even raised my head, when this was spoken to me, in a quiet way, for me to notice, and I looked back at my foot and thought, "What in the world." The angle of my one foot matched the mark on my forehead but the rest of my body was fully stretched out. It was one of the weirdest things ever. I don't really know how to describe it. But I told my mom that this was when I thought maybe it was not a bad spirit that allowed the mark on my forehead but something good.

So I don't really know what it means exactly except that I felt God must want so much more from all of us. Not even that we are better than we are (which we should try for) but that it is more about acknowledging Him and giving him the honor and glory in various ways and by various means.

It's not like I prayed for forever. It was only all in about 10 minutes maybe. But it was a very focused 10 or so minutes I guess. It doesn't matter whether it was the left or right foot at all, but for imagining angle, it was my right foot and it was angled to the left because it was up against my bag and just ended up that way. But exactly the same angle as the mark on my forehead.

Why I had my hands in fists (sort of with palm side toward the floor) and crossed I don't know. Maybe it was just comfortable or I have no idea. I always look for meaning in everything and probably take it a little too far but to me it was all meaningful.

However, I had only told my mom and suddenly everyone knew and the first thing that happened this morning was that I was mocked about it. Which was just great.

But anyway, that was that.

Then there was a great lightening show last night as I walked home and no rain. Just a lot of lightening.

I have some things to write about with regard to things that happened to me and my son, and some of it may be urgent but I am going to leave this here for right now because I'm trying to go to church and then to work.

Anyway, after this prostration thing (which I've done before in my lifetime at least but not very much and not for a long time or with a mark on my head either)...I opened up the Bible and read about this is a day I will not forget and it spoke to me in such a different hopeful way.

There are some other things I can't share with anyone at all, not even my family, but I am learning what things to keep in my heart so the pearls are not trampled as they've sometimes been, partly my fault.

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