This Morning

I curled my hair, rolled it up last night. My hair is so long now because I am saving length if I need to prove medications or prove I've not used any drugs (with my son in mind). I have lost at least half of my hair due to medications I've been given without my consent, and poisons as well. So the only way I can wear it is up on top of my head, twisted into a bun or messy. So I am probably going to start curling it just because there is nothing left to do with it since I will not cut it until my son is returned. I have become a vegetarian and let my hair grow, because of my son and for no other reason. If I am mentally ill, why are men who work in very high positions the ones interested in me? And why are some women jealous or hateful, even now? 9 out of 10 of the men I've been involved with, in any way, have been in the top 3% for either income or position. I didn't choose it this way--they chose me. And half the time I had no idea what kind of work they did at first and didn't base my acceptance on that either. At the same time, I have then been maligned as being mentally ill and not fit to care for my son because of politics that really have nothing to do with me but with these men. I might be formidable with a little money and wielding a lawsuit, but there is nothing outstanding about me other than my determination, desire to have integrity of some kind and values, and I had a beautiful voice at one time. Other than that, I am a little bit eccentric or creative. My determination or willingness to buck the system when required, or persons who are abusive within the system, may make me threatening, but what the real issue is, is if I am with someone who has money or power that might suddenly be a catalyst for the things I would do, if I could, and this is what the fear is. Even as I have been chosen by some who have power, as they dump me or disgrace me, or turn their backs or disown me, even then, with or without any support, I have maintained my own independence, which is a much deeper thing than the idea of financial independence. I have never been clingy, with or without any man. I may admire a man but I am not going to fawn over him. I am my own person. However, is it excusable that I am allowed to be tarnished when all of these people know there is nothing wrong with me? If I am going to start holding the U.S. accountable too, I am going to have to name each and every military connected person and then start pointing a finger at the CIA and Pentagon to ask why I have my life surrounded by military personnel and yet no one from the DOD or CIA is releasing my son. It starts to look like a federal problem and not just a State matter, even if certain states have done more than their share of harm and even if it is only certain groups who are interested in doing the harm. This morning I had coffee with a woman from the shelter and we talked and then I got ready for work. No one thinks I'm mentally ill. But I have been papered up, and drugged up to create excuses and nothing else. This morning I read "The Song of Moses". I never thought about how many times Moses calls the Lord, or God, his Rock and refers to other idols as "rocks". I read about Israel's rebellion which is predicted before the song. This was just random. It's what I randomly opened to. Then I randomly opened near the end of the book to get something from the New Testament and I got the story of Lazarus. Lazarus was raised from the dead and was the brother of Mary who annointed the feet of Jesus, whose sister was Martha. Israel is directly involved with some of the things that have happened to me and collusion with Catholics. They had different motives but their goal was the same. To keep me down.