Monday, April 11, 2011

This Morning! (updated)

I will write more later but I'm going to do some shopping for my son today. I have had some weird things happen and flipped out finally, after work, about it, over the phone to Granny and my brother and just had it. But at the same time, there have been some really incredibly good things happening--like in the middle of some torture and harassment, this overriding peace about some things. I am not eating anything from anyone again though bc I think someone medicated me and my body has all the signs. How someone is legally getting away with this is beyond me. But my sense of peace, which I have whether someone is medicating me or me, has nothing to do with being medicated. It has to do with realizing and coming to terms with, "What is this God?" (my life) and then realizing who it is I love, beyond explanation or reason. I cannot help who has put in my heart. I try, but I also pray all the time, "please take out anything (desire) in me that you didn't put there or don't want there and make me want the things you want for me" and I am wondering what it means then, to suddenly discover...I don't know. I can be changed I'm sure, or God can change what I think or feel if he wants to. And I feel anyone who is interferring with what God wants for me and my son, who I know I love so much and is in my heart to raise for a reason, isn't going to be on good terms with God. I know I was supposed to be at this one conference yesterday. I spent $30 on a taxi ride to get there, which, for me, was more than I spend on myself for anything. Which is really laughable, but sad to be true for right now. I thought, "And $30 back too..." but someone gave me a ride home. It was the Heidi Baker conference and there is so much to write about but for right now, I just want to say that I had an epiphany last night, while lying down for a minute and looking up at a small slice of the moon which was early in the sky before it was even dusk...I thought about this horse story she told and was laughing and then thought, after being told that my son was given a choice of either the toys or the horse riding lessons, and how her mother said "YOU SELFISH AND FOOLISH GIRL!" and almost drove them over a cliff in a manic episode, because she already had everything...I thought about how I had asked my aunt to ask my son if he wanted a plane ride (in a glider) or another horse ride, in addition to toys I want to give him. I was told they said he couldn't go in the glider bc it wasn't "safe" and then he was given a choice of having the toys or the horse riding lessons. He said he would rather have the toys. I thought about this yesterday and it hit me: God wants my son to have the toys AND the horse riding lessons and my son wants those lessons too. I thought too about how some of my sons toys have "disappeared" and wondered what other kid is taking them from my son. NO one can take away horse riding lessons. Either it's Oliver that shows up for them, or not. So since I was told I can get something for him for his birthday and for easter, I am getting him toys for his easter present (or lessons) and then the other for his birthday. And then, as I thought about this this morning, I woke up and realized, if I, as a mother, want to give my son everything...if God so clothes the lilies of the field and cares for them, and I love my son so much, why shouldn't God also feel the same about me, as my heavenly father? God wants me to have the desires of my heart too, as long as they are correctly placed. So this helped to inch up my faith a little bit. Just thinking, "Well of course. Think about how much you love your own son Cameo. Why would you think God feels any differently about you when you are his daughter? He doesn't." Then I thought, "Today is the day to wear the cobalt blue dress". I woke up early this morning, having been sluggish for weeks. I mean, sleeping in every single day until 6:30 at the last minute rolling out. But I woke up about 4 a.m or 4:30 and was out of bed before 5. I felt fully awake and refreshed and then it was warm outside so I thought I could wear this dress. I wore the sky high white heels with it, debating between purple flats and white heels and I like the heels well enough (for having to choose from 2nd hand stuff) but will probably switch out bc they're hard to walk in. I didn't curl my hair bc I was too tired yesterday but I've been trying to do this. And everything feels "right" today, in some way. Some things so impossible but still, I don't know where in the world I have this faith. And then I went to my locker, and my Scotland sweater was on my top shelf and I thought about Scotland this morning and then ironed my dress (it's just a plain and simple dress) and painted my nails this color I have (it's fushia with 1 coat and more purplish with subsequent and I would usually say with blue and white, go with taupe or french mani only but it's the only color I have with me and can't afford manis now). Then, I was dressed and sat down to...William and Kate in Scotland. Maybe that's why I thought about Scotland. I don't know. Some reporter in a pink scarf was talking from Lanchashire. It was the only news I saw today bc it came on just then and I walked it, and I was already dressed so I just walked out to start my day. I was thinking, "It is okay to look decent while shopping for your son, bc you are proud of your son and he has reason to be proud of you too" bc I sort of thought, "Why am I wearing a dress to go to Toys R Us?" (you know, or whatever. I think to myself, "You're wearing heels and a dress to shop for toys? ummm, JUSTIFICATION! your son is proud of you! look good...ummm...yeah, I think that's it...?) I won't get it all done today though. I want to go to a science store to look at toys at this science museum (sort of an OMSI) and toys r-us and Ross and discount places. *********************************************************************************** I went to the first place, toys r us, to look around but just got ideas of what to buy. I think I know what I'm getting but I'll get it tomorrow. I am next going to another place to look at a few items which may be slightly cheaper. Wore my dress and shoes but changed bc I have to go to work after I go to the next place, if I go. Also thought about something that's been on my mind, about a certain posture someone took after I made the same posture on a chair when supposedly the apartment was unoccupied. I thought then that maybe someone had something on in the room, like a computer, which could view without being seen. And wondering what is going on--did someone tell this other person to sit that way, when the other person didn't have any clue why they were told to do what they were doing? Because I'm sure this other person has no ill will against me at all, but the one whose apartment I was in stole items from my bag. It is the Prince William posture in the chair. The way he is seated there. A homeless man took the photo and I'm told, or heard, it was all according to how the homeless person wanted to set up the shoot, but I don't ever sit that way except for this one time, at this apartment which belonged to a U.S. Marine, or former Marine who was training to be on some kind of security at U.S. dams. I had wondered, while staying in his apartment, if something was "on" in there (no intimacy with him whatsoever) bc I sensed something was maybe amiss. I didn't know what. Then at the end of my stay there, he stole a wristband the Wenatchee Valley Clinic gave me one night when I went in for migraine and it had gangster type of psycho stuff printed out all over it. I saved it. I saved it bc it proved some of the medical personnel was screwing around with me and that I had reason to fear and was being tortured physically. I was going to save it for part of my proof of what I and my son have been in the middle of, for political asylum. The only person who had access to it was Ryan. An Irish-American Catholic guy from Boston originally. I can say, I think I don't recall ever being tortured while staying there. So that's good. I mean, I don't recall anything strange affecting me physically while there. But I do know he stole that wristband from my bag and why would he do this unless he was covering for the Catholic reception and personnel people that made me the band, that way, at the clinic? He also stole my yellow t-shirt. The reason I was shocked when I saw William's photo, in the chair, was because the very same kind of chair was in this Marine's apartment. It was the same chair, and the weird thing was that I sat in it, after doing this little dance throughout the apartment, in the exact same way. It was one of few times I danced in an apartment, in Wenatchee, because most of the time while in Wenatchee, I was being tortured. Literally. But I turned on some music now and then and would dance in that apartment, in the livingroom where the speakers were. Which is where the large computer monitor and screen was. It always was black, like it was turned off but I don't know if it was turned off. And what I remember is that one day, specifically, I even remember, I think, that my hair was curled or down or something, and I think I wore just tights with no pants and I don't remember what shirt (I think my black tank top), but I went down to black tights I think because I got hot dancing. And then at one point, I was using the chair that looked like the one William later sits in. And I finally just sat down in it with the chair facing backwards like that, and thought. And just rested, and thought. And I don't know why it stood out to me, but something about whyever I sat in the chair that way, and then later seeing William sit in the same kind of chair, the same way, made me wonder if I had been on a camera through the computer monitor and if this was shared to someone else (not William but someone else) later, who then suggested he sit that way. Because it was done maybe a day or two after I did this myself. And I never do this. The chair was not even connected to a table. It was all by itself, the same way it is in William's photo. It was one single wood chair, not with a table or set, and all by itself in the living room and I took it out from against the wall and turned it around so that it was backwards, and sat in it, backwards. Which I didn't mention for how long? A year, right? I do keep secrets because some things I haven't shared with a living soul--no one. Other things I have retained and made my secret for years or several months. The only reason I even bring it up now is because I am still wondering why I continue to have someone or some groups torturing me and I have no confidence that it's not happening to my son as well. They were torturing him along with me before, why would they quit now? And if it has to do with CIA and military, albeit partially through use of some gang members or law enforcement, they have already "invested" in trying to experiment with my son and use him, even through harm. When I split with Alvaro, I had 3 months without being tortured psychically though I had death threats. Then, I first experienced torture again in association with Chris Rizollo. Then it also happened to me when I tried going to the women's shelters (there were only 2) in Wenatchee. I ended up staying a month with this Marine guy, and then it was with this other guy I've mentioned, because I had nowhere to stay. I slept on the floor at the Marine guys place. Then I was at the next place, for about a month but a couple of weird things happened at the end and this was the apartment I was in when the UK sites were going crazy on me. They were going "under construction" for like, a month, after I was on and IMing with some people. After this, I was at Steve Mays, where I was tortured ALL the time. It was constant at that house and this is where the UK guy who was British military and ran the live streaming site, wrote back to me something that matched the number on the tag of the blanket I had just looked at, which was with me. I know I still have to make out a list of things, which I haven't done, because for some reason, I guess having been traumatized and still, as a victim of torture, and survivor, I have a difficult time talking about all of it at once. I guess I decided to write this much after recognizing I am again medicated and that every single time I start to come out of some kind of nonconsensual medication and back to my right mind and creativity, and back to being able to feel anger and sadness and the TRUE emotions which SHOULD NOT BE OPPRESSED when I am in the middle of these things, I get whacked out with meds again. All of these things have permanently affected my thinking, my body, and even my appearance. Not only that, it is directly affecting my ability to even defend myself Pro Se against sloppy lawyers who are obstructive and lie, like Tanesha Canzater. It affects my ability to feel the appropriate emotions anyone would have with what's going on, and my energy level and drive to expose things. I am realizing, that people, U.S., and UK, were scared. Even last time I was starting to come out of being medicated, and starting to get back to myself, they got scared that I was getting back to my drive and energy and determination and creativity, and they sought every opportunity to knock me out with this crap that affects my memory and my ability to write poetry or do anything I would normally do. And when I realized this, today, I knew it doesn't matter what anyone does, I have the best case for Political Asylum that anyone has ever had, as a U.S. citizen, from the U.S. On top of being tortured and experimented with, I have been defamed and then medicated without my consent, too many times to count. To my knowledge, if someone is investigating criminal kidnapping of my son, by illegal use of government workers who committed fraud and colluded with certain Canadian individuals and officials, that would be a great step in the right direction. If someone is investigating the gang members that have contributed, or the DEA is finally involved, that would be a great step in the right direction. However, the very fact that I am medicated and some group is hiding this from me, is grounds enough to get the hell out of here. And that is not even touching on the public corruption with the FBI and CIA and military (not all, or even most, but some who have been immediately involved with me, along with medical personnel). I then have, incredibly, after being doped up again and medicated, I have people from WA Administrative Hearings offices cutting me off from hearings and signing Orders without wanting me to even know what classification they listed me as. I cannot afford to eat without the benefits. I may want to get something for my son, and I have saved a small amount just for him, but they arbitrarily cut me off and their Director is Army. She was appointed by the Governor of WA (Christine Gregoire) to be the Chief of this department for hearings about social benefits. She was formerly a lawyer for the Army. Not for the Army people, or military, but the Army officials. Then the Department of Social and Health Services, they are required under WA law to provide copies of any records about a person who has contact or receives benefits from their agency. They have a form for public records requests and I filled out the very first one in 2006 right after my son was born. I actually think I filled one out and signed requesting copies of anything, before I had my son, possibly, but without a doubt after my son was born within the first couple of months. No one disputed my right to obtain records. They agreed that I had a right to them but no one ever fulfilled my request. So I made out another request. I made out an extensive request for all DSHS records about me before even one CPS complaint was made. They ignored at least 6-8 written requests. Just recently, I filled out another one, and sent it and they responded claiming privilege and wrote that they didn't have to respond to my FOIA about public records from a public agency for a public person who they concern. There is zero legal basis for refusing my request and what I have suspected and known before the first CPS complaint was even made against me (in retaliation for other legal matters), that there was something being written up about me in the file. They have a legal right to refuse to give me interagency memos they made with their lawyers, as their legal corrrespondence is privileged. However, they are JUST now, claiming legal privilege for public records concerning a public person (written by public servants who work for public agencies). FOIA is entirely about the right of any citizen to obtain such records. They are covering up because they committed crime. Nothing they've done is just "civil". My primary claim against them is of criminal corruption and fraud. My claim against the U.S. federal and state governments is still, until they investigate persons responsible, of kidnapping, fraud, public corruption, and I have some charges of assault against me and my son for some to take as well. Even if it were determined he was kidnapped, I have had some (like Granny) say, "How can you take care of him?" It doesn't matter. Even if I have been reduced, by politics and torture, to living in a women's shelter, what a child needs is a roof over their head and food and clothing. There are other kids there and I am able to provide the same for him, at minimum. Not only that, I have childcare experience and education that surpasses any of mothers I ever met through CPS or even DSHS. I never once met one woman who knew more about parenting, child development, than I did, in combination with the years of experience I had. Their husbands would kill for a mother like me. They have no clue what an outstanding mother can do and they will probably never know and their wives resent me for this, on top of a million other imagined reasons to resent me. Pick up your own game rather than tear a single mother down. There is no one who is able to meet and understand their child's needs as I do. And I understood and met the needs of other parent's children before I ever even had my own son. I heard this woman, whose speech I'd like to write about more about how she prays and needs first responders for the mission field, for Mozambique, for Africa, and rescuing kids from prostitution in Japan (sometimes kids are even bought out of prostitution because it's the only way to fight it). I felt emotional when I saw the video or slide about the kids, and I have a sense of a heart for them and wanting to help. But if my one and only task in life is to fight for my son, that's what I will do. Because the ministry God gave me, was to mother my son. And when other parties interferred with that, they messed with God. No one can speak FOR me or TO me, about my calling or put something in my heart to try to replace the one that I already know is sent from God. How could anyone even think or suggest that I would go on to do something "different" without my son when I chose to have my son, love him, and made a commitment to my child when I gave birth, to raise him and be his mother for the rest of my life? I made my vows and chose my sacrifice with his birth, and knew that this was also my blessing. When other people or groups of any kind interfere with God-given blessings, talents, or gifts, they are asking God for retribution. The wisest thing anyone in the U.S. could do, is to find a way to investigate the crimes I have testified about in part, and return my son to me at once. It takes 1 week to figure out my son was illegally kidnapped from me. It took me 1 day, after I read the federal and state law. If it takes me 1 day, how is it possible the U.S. is dragging this out? And then allowing people to MEDICATE me on top of everything horrific that they've already done?! To say, "Oh, she's on medication, because she NEEDS it, because she is delusional?" You DO NOT medicate people to COVER UP CRIME. I can just imagine what would happen to the justice system if every whistleblower got thrown into a psych ward and medicated.

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