Friday, April 29, 2011

Post Wedding

The main thing on my mind after I guess the procession was over, was that I was doped up on medications and no one in the U.S. has been willing to examine this.

If I was not medicated prior to this whole thing by U.S. persons for military or medical research, it has been sheer criminal acts done to keep me down, from writing, from getting anything done on my case with my son, to disturb and disrupt my regular state of mind and energy.

I cannot live like this. The only thing that made me feel like crying all day was this. That I am medicated against my will and the U.S. has refused to take any of my reports seriously.

I cannot, and will not, live this way any longer.

I got out of the shower, went to the sauna and relaxed for awhile, thinking of nothing, and then went to the change room with no make up on and saw the one droopy eye. And felt nothing. And that was when I knew...This is over.

I cannot say it's over anymore and do nothing about it. It is really and truly over.

I have one goal at this time and it is to get testing for unknown substance. This is my primary and only goal. I cannot have it done in the State of Tennessee.

I was going to go out of the country, but I am going to see if there is any place in the U.S. first, that will test ASAP for this, and if not, I will make arrangements elsewhere and get my passport expedited for this express purpose.

I am not going to live this way anymore.

This is not life.

The only time I've cried is, I guess, now, at 6:52 a.m. when I sit and think of how I have been the frog in the pot. I have told others to wake up while I stayed here and did nothing. I suppose I couldn't always do what I wanted because my normal reserve was not even functioning as it should.

I have stayed in a place that is dangerous and that has abused me over, and over, and over. I am very fortunate, if anything, to finally figure some things out. Why in the world I didn't before...God has His reasons. I guess if God had wanted to, He could have even broken through the torture and medication and distress and revealed to me what I realized only a few days ago. I began to realize the day after Easter. I don't know why. And then for 3 days until now, it kept sinking in even as I am totally doped up.

What makes me cry is this: "I didn't cry about the wedding. How do I feel? I can't tell and I don't even know how I feel because this medication has changed my thinking, emotions, and energy and horomones levels to such degree that I am not even myself and have no barometer for measuring how I feel."

I have not been able to write about things people have done to me as I wanted, even if I got a little more out, it isn't in the way I would normally write and just rambles all over the place. I become more mentally ill and sound more mentally ill when I am on medications that I shouldn't be on, for any reason. This is what makes me sound like a nut and incapable and disabled.

I have people using medication of me to disable me.

As if they haven't done enough already.

So I cried, because I am "with it" enough to know there is something really wrong with what has been done to me. And everything that has been done to me has also affected my son.

I wonder if anyone attending the wedding is drugged up or medicated. I would hope not. I would hope that no one is getting married while taking prescription medication because that would sound like grounds for an annulment. If someone has to be on medication at a time when they are taking vows, it is probably not a good time or right time to take vows. But I'm sure that's not the case and that no one is taking advantage of anyone who is on medication.

I have this feeling that it's something like lithium. This and possibly some anti-psychotic substance because it was affecting my speech the other day I thought, but I couldn't tell for sure because I had a blister on the side of my tongue. I think it's lithium or something similiar. I had diarrhea after I started feeling weird. I had diarrhea, vision changes (blurry), and a bunch of other things and these are all symptoms of lithium. Then it's like this medication will be somewhat latent and then all of a sudden, released again like a long term acting drug.

It's all I'm doing today. Researching a place that will test for unknown substance. My goal is to be either tested in the U.S. or outside of the U.S. within 2-4 weeks before it's harder to test for.

I am not the only one who feels like crying. This man passed me on a bicycle and all of a sudden, he saw me and almost burst into tears. I don't know who he was but I almost began to cry with him and that's when my tears were finally triggered, to think how sorry he is feeling for me, and how pitiful this is. I hoped it wasn't because of what I was wearing. I couldn't wear all 3 black shirts again so I was wearing the coolest one, with the flaps. Maybe that's why he felt like crying. I don't know.

I'm looking at penfluridol. It's a newer long-acting oral anti-psychotic and it's possible something like this was given to me. The other things I would look at would be marinol and birth control.

I think some of the people in the UK have been in on this.

I say this because about the time I was medicated, I had been to the Holiday Express and left my coffee unattended and then went back for more and this British guy and several other people were observing me closely. The British guy was freaking out as I was writing and then after I had this coffee he was saying "Thank God!" and acting like he wasn't nervous anymore and then this woman who looked Jewish and a whole group just started to watch me. I went to the McDonalds and had the pancake platter but it could have been this, or that coffee, or possibly, the only other option, is that a few days earlier I'd had a salad at work. These are the only possibilities. And sure enough, just like they wanted, I lost all momentum in the things I was finally getting done. That same day I had diarrhea, and a lot of other changes and my hair quit growing.

They drugged me.

No comments: