Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Today & Yesterday

From about 4-5 p.m. yesterday to today, everything is depressing. I don't sense a lot of great energy but it's probably just me and thinking about the futility of how I am ever getting my son back and how I am going to have anyone help me with with torture evidencing.

I have been craving cake ever since my son's birthday, on the 11th, so after buying piece after solo piece (chocolate and carrot cake), I finally went to a store and bought a mini-chocolate cake and broke off a piece to eat while walking. I walked out of the store, totally depressed, to the tune of "Today Was A Fairytale." Fairytale my ___. I am living a Nightmare.

I walked by a few stores while waiting for the bank to open and in all of this horrid energy, and inbetween calls to agencies for political asylum and torture groups, I distracted myself today with really dumb and frivolous play-game-questions or random assignments to God.

I decided to randomly, after this woman who passed me and looked Jewish, ask God questions about Kate. So I phrased it this way in order to see if it's true about me (which I might know) is it true about her. But it was just games and I think God has a very strong sense of humor, and indulged me with my frivolous ideas. I passed a window with jewelry and before looking at it, after I'd passed without looking I said to God, "The left side of the window represents her and the right side me". So then I looked to see what was there. (you see? very silly games that are amusing but maybe mean nothing).

I mean, seriously, I am in the middle of fighting for my and my son's life, and I think the only reason I went to something like that was to try to forget about the magnitude of everything else.

So, at this window, which had, I guess, jewelry from the world, on the side that represented me it was a lot of Egyptian jewelry (the seeing eye ones), headbands, cameras and phones, chapstick, figures of baby girls in bassinets at the bottom, and then on the other side it was all crosses and rings. A few other things, but in general, which made me think again about some kind of Catholic connection actually.

Then, I saw this very bright kelly green colored blouse and even though it wasn't my style exactly, it was such a vivid spring green, I thought how I would like to wear it for my son to see.

Then, here's the funny part, where I know God has a sense of humor...After buying the cake, after passing by the windows, I went to the library and saw this book on a stand and it was called "The Cake Bible" so I did it again. I didn't look at who the author was--just grabbed it on impulse. "God, the first thing will represent Kate and the second one represents me". Very silly. But for Kate, she was "Food Processor Poured Fondant" (from the Candy and Nut Embellishments section) and I was "The Scarlet Empress" (from cakes). I did it one more time. "Okay God, she is the first thing and I am the next thing I randomly open to". She was "Lemon Creme Illusion Crepes" and I was "Down-Home Chocolate Mayonnaise Cake".

And that's where I knew God has a sense of humor. Of all things. Chocolate Mayo Cake. She even writes about how it's made with Hellman's mayo and was created by a young bride who was trying to help her husband and is the first chocolate cake the author made. It's the only "MAYO" recipe in the whole book.

Someone I know was intimate with someone else at about 7:51 a.m. or earlier today, my time. I guess that's an aside.

I just looked up "The Scarlett Empress" to see if it refers to anything at all. I found a wiki about a movie with Maryleine Dietrich, about a woman named Sophia who goes to Germany (wait, from Germany to Russia) and is renamed as Catherine the Great and then becomes more powerful in Russia and succeeds against all former enemies, and, the part I like, or think is sort of funny is how it says in the end she is shown riding astride a horse and having more feeling for her horse than her compatriots. LOL. I just think it's a funny way to characterize the film. I haven't seen it before. It's by Sternberg and Cohen. Funnier still, is the picture of her hands in a fur muff. My mother had once thought I should be married in winter with a white fur muff.

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