Monday, May 9, 2011

Vibe (on Saturday night)

The vibe I forgot to write about but which I referred to, was on Saturday.

I don't know why, but the whole time during chapel I sensed some kind of sadness or heaviness somewhere. It lasted throughout chapel. 6:30-7:30 p.m. approx.

I thought it was odd because I sat down and noticed I had no pens for putting my hair up with. So I took the scarf I had and wrapped it around my hair on top of my head.

Then, there was singing and everything but something felt wrong. And the woman came out to speak and she talked about Hannah and Peninah and it was fine, but for some reason, there was just this vibe that maybe wasn't wrong, but I didn't feel light and joyful in my spirit.

At the end, we went upstairs and halfway up the stairs I took the scarf off of my head, and I don't know why the scarf on my head would make a difference, or if it was leaving a zone where someone was sad, or in time, something shifted, but when I took the scarf off it left and I went upstairs to the bunk and sat cross-legged and curled my hair with rollers. The bad or sad vibe was gone.

So I curled and then went to clean this one room as a chore and came back singing, "99 bottles of beer on the wall...99 bottlesa beeeeerrr, TAKE one down 'n' pass it around, "

I rolled into my bed, joking and slurring this song, and then someone chimed in, "take one down and pass it around" and then I added, "98 bottles of beer on the wall..."

And then I said, as if to explain why I was singing a beer bottle song, "You guys left a lot of empty bottles in that room, but I just left them in case you were going to use them again."

There had been empty water and juice and soda bottles all over the floor.

And the bad/sad vibe wasn't there anymore, not after leaving and taking the scarf out of my hair and then all my curls came back down.

It was the black scarf with the fringe. I don't know why it would make any difference to the energy or vibe and probably it wasn't that at all. But I had no pens and spontaneously, without thinking about it, took the scarf and folded it in half.

Someone offered to tie it up for me but I didn't want to make a big deal over it so I said that was okay and I was just getting it up out of my way. I folded it, and then put my left hand at the loop and wrapped it around my head and then I took the ends and slipped them through so it was sort of a tie of a scarf around my head with hair up and the fringe tassels dangling in the back. For a split second, the thought came into my mind.."Oh no! do I look like the girl with the pearl earring or like I'm trying for this?" but thought, no, it's all knotted up around my head. I think it was the way the tassels ended up in the back, in two folds that made me think of it for a split second.

It was only for about an hour. It was about how Hannah asked for a son and she had a son and had favor and then Peninah had kids too but how Peninah had kids but no man or no favor and Hannah had no children but favor and a double portion from her husband, who was married to both of them. And then it was about how God can give favor or bring children or "produce" or fruitfulness to the barren, whether without kids at home, or somewhere else, or whatever. I sat there and sometimes we can identify with the character but I didn't feel a positive identification with either woman. To me, it was just hearing about other women's lives. I didn't feel like I was a "Peninah" or a "Hannah". She said something about one picking on her all the time, and I can relate to this, and I pray to have my son returned to me and don't mind having more, but I also feel loved. Even if I am not living with someone, I think there is someone.

This was a chapel we had the day after I had my dream, answering my question about what with my life or will it always be bad (for time reference).

And then I kept flipping around to different things, that night even, to "Blessed is the woman who has no children," and then stuff about having children. And I read that night about Abigail, while I curled my hair, Abigail and how she encouraged David not to shed blood and he later thanked her.

I've only sensed a few times since then, where something felt sad or heavy. It left almost right away as I went up the stairs. Then yesterday I mainly felt sad thinking about my son a little.

Last night during chapel I turned to II Kings and read about the woman who provided a place to stay for Elias. She told her husband he was a holy man and to set aside a room for him and later he wanted to intervene for her in some way and asked what he could do for her. She said she had everything she needed. But he saw her in her older age and said to her, "You are going to have a child." And she did, and she received the blessing. But then this child died. And she ran out for him and her husband said, "But it's not the New Moon or the Sabbath" and she ran anyway, and got on this horse and rode to the town where he was and he said, "It's the Shulammite woman! Go see what she wants!" and she fell down at his feet and grabbed him at his ankles, sobbing. And his friends said to brush her off, or told her to back off, and he said leave her alone, she is clearly upset. And then she told him her son had died and she must have had faith because she believed in him enough to run to him, even when she knew her son was dead. And then he went back with her to the house and healed him.

So I guess I've been running into a lot of passages about children and barrenness and fruitfulness lately.

I have been sort of keeping track of some speakers who have come in, though, to almost direct messages to me that are not very kind.

I think the "vibe" was maybe something to do with my son.

I had to leave where I was sitting because someone was using some kind of technology. I left and went to a different area and it quit.

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