Sunday, October 30, 2011

Vivaldi & En Pointe

Listened to classical music this morning after looking at the weathered roses. I resisted plucking one today.

Went inside and put on 1/2 of a pop song, 1/2 of a country song, and settled on my old tradition of classical music on Sundays. I need to get my own CDs and playlists though.

But I liked the one that was on when I turned the station and thought the arrangement was good. I found out it was Vivaldi. A flute concerto by Vivaldi. When I was a younger girl, or young teen I guess, I had Vivaldi's 4 Seasons. It was a cassette tape, a white or cream colored cassette tape and had a case that said Vivaldi's Four Seasons.

I didn't have a lot of classical, and my parents didn't listen to classical at all, ever, but I found it and picked out for myself. So my brother and family gave me a few tapes. I bought Vivaldi's Four Seasons on my own, at a tape store when I was still in high school I think, sometime between 1991-1995 without a doubt. I remember picking it out for myself. I picked out most of my own classical but my brother got me a 4-part set for Mozart which surprised me one Birthday. I didn't think my brother had a concept of how I liked classical music because I never heard him listening to it either. I never even told him I enjoyed *some* classical but he figured out how much I'd like this gift.

I listened to Casey's Top 40's every single Sunday before we went to church. I kept up with all of the newest pop songs and then found classical music on my own. Every single Sunday, and it always worked out that I could hear the whole line-up and then it was time to leave for church. If we had to leave early, I sometimes pressed record so I'd have it.

My parents played christian and worship music only, and 50s-60s classics when I was growing up. Some of it was classical-based, and they appreciate music of all kinds, but didn't choose it for their own listening.

I fell in love with classical music when I heard Tschaikovsky's ballet suites. When I found out who was responsible for writing some of this gorgeous music I heard, I went out and bought myself a cassette tape of the ballet suites. He was probably my favorite composer when I was in high school. I memorized every single line and could whistle along to the entire piece of music, taking different parts at different times. And I tried out my ballet moves even though I wasn't allowed to take ballet or dance, I pretended I knew. I never let up on my wish to take ballet. I look back now and wonder if it was that I wasn't supposed to because it would have been too "shocking".

As for pretending ballet, I checked out a book once, when I was a younger girl, with diagrams, but just once because it didn't really help. I read about the first basic positions. And then I remember the main things I did, was learn how to frame my arms and did this thing where I leaned forward and extended one leg straight out behind me and tried to lift it as high as I could. And I worked on holding my legs up my head to the side too and could do this bc I was able to do chinese splits naturally without even stretching first. I mainly danced around my room to Tchaikovsky. It was the only classical I danced "ballet" to. And then, I know my mother would rememember, I walked all around the house on my tip toes. Not just for a few months. For years. I worked my feet up so that I was able to walk around on the very tips of my toes, without shoes on, and then would show my mother and say "I still want to take ballet." I didn't walk on my toes, where the toe bends, but on the very point (pointe) of my big toe basically. I was able to balance and walk on the point of my big toe and next toe without falling. It was en pointe without shoes. And I walked around like this, with my feet tight and stiffened and having practiced, all the time. And sometimes alternating with a book on my head for posture. I did this when we still lived in Moses Lake, Washington, in the 80s, and up through to the 90s. There is no possible way I can do this now. I just tried and my flesh on the tips of my toes is too soft and I don't have the muscles toned to make my foot stiff enough. But I guess I never realized this was quite the independent feat until later. I didn't need shoes to do it. I had my feet muscles and determination I guess.

The other thing I practiced, was a karate kick all kids probably practiced, after seeing the Movie "The Karate Kid". I practiced the karate kick where he's standing on a surface and kicks high in the air switching feet or something before he's back on the ground...the special kick. So me and my brother practiced this off of our couch. I practiced more. I got an idea in my head and did not let it go until I could do it. My brother was Hi-jah-ing all over the house, with kicks and fists and the side of the hand, all over the place. I just worked on that one particular move. I only wanted to know how to do that. So I practiced and practiced and then I think we were camping with my cousins and my cousin Rory even practiced with me too. I didn't care about karate except for the magical kick that could just knock 'em all out. Who cares about breaking boards with the slight of a hand. I wanted "the kick" in the air, which is probably because it is kind of like ballet, in a way. And aside from this and loving to play soccer by 1st grade, with all the boys, and climbing trees, and wanting to play spy games, the only thing I ever liked about the Olympics was gymnastics and diving and ice skating. Sometimes the really fast sprinting too. But that was about it. Unless it was gymnastics, diving, ice skating, or sprinting, who cared about the Olympics.

But yeah, my extracurricular efforts to learn something new that was athletic, was to learn and perfect the special karate switch-up in the air, and I accomplished being able to walk for hours on the very pointe of my toes, without shoes to help me. My mother said I'd ruin my feet but I never did. They were stronger.

I just looked up a photo. Yeah, it wasn't "demi point" where you bend the tip of your toes. I was walking around on full pointe, barefoot. And I did it all the time, not just a few steps, but had built up my feet to walk this way for a long stretches of time.

It was Tchaikovsky first and then I think I picked out Vivaldi next. I like some of Bach and Beethoven but really loved the 4-part tapes of Mozart. I bought other tapes for myself that were compilations of songs by different musicians. And then it wasn't until after I introduced myself to classical music that I found myself watching Kiri Te Kanawa on PBS one day. She was my next instant love. I was immediately in love with her voice. And that's how I ended up liking opera. I sang "pretend opera" in high school all around the house, loudly, and usually joking, and then I started listening to it seriously after hearing Kiri. After that, I went out and bought tapes with different arias and opera pieces on it.

By the time I was working as a personal assistant for the Rose family, I was bringing in opera from various artists, "delirious" (british rock worship), classical, and pop music to work to. I remember the day the Rabbi heard the opera and he stared at and started humming along because he knew one of the songs. I remember he said, "This is Italian opera." It was a set of different types of opera: German, Italian, etc..

And around this time, I started my own tradition of gardening while having my music outdoors to hear.

No one in my entire family liked classical or ever listened to it, but I think my brother did later, after I was into it, and it wasn't like my parents were opposed--it just wasn't something they had playing all the time.
I just looked up "en pointe without shoes" and it's been done. It says it's dangerous, on the modern posts, but according to wiki, it was done...see the section about Marie Taglioni, and they danced while depending upon the strength of their feet. It says the more structured shoe didn't arrive until the 19th century. I also have a very high instep to my foot, but I was able to go en pointe without shoes for a long time without injury. Can't imagine leaping that way though. I don't believe I was leaping around the house on barefoot pointe. But I did do a few small jumps. The ballet move I practiced was being en pointe and then jumping up and sort of scissoring my feet closely together while in the air and then landing with my feet close together but not scissored together. It was small little jumps into the air and I was able to land on my feet en pointe. But I wasn't making flying leaps through the house, en pointe and barefoot, though I made my leaps.
So anyway, my interest in ballet was not just a passing one. It was significant. And I do think I must be strong-willed and determined, because if I get an idea and I know without a doubt that I want to do something, almost nothing stands in my way. I work very hard to focus on what I need to accomplish.

Which is why I think it's been beyond cruel and degrading to allow what's happened to me, my son, and family.

I work very hard to accomplish things and it's taken a lot of money and cruelty to keep me down.

If I wanted to perfect a line in a song, I would play and replay the section hundreds of times sometimes (literally) to get it right.

I trained my own voice.
I trained my own "en pointe."
I trained my own legal skills for court.

I spent about 2-3 hours everyday, singing to voices I admired, and trained my voice in range to do what some of the others could do, and I couldn't quite hit the same highest notes as Mariah Carey, but I was very close, and my tone was good. I practiced singing like this for years.

When I determined I wanted to take ballet and was told no, I did it around the house anyway, and after about a year of "No" I had strengthened my feet enough to go en pointe barefoot around the house and make small jumps, and land en pointe. No injury, ever. I never hurt my feet. I knew I had to build up to it so I did.

As for the karate kick, I never got that one down perfectly. I didn't work on it as much as other things, but I got very close and my cousin could do it and I think maybe even my brother managed to do it, but I never got it, though it wasn't a big thing with me like ballet was.

I think it translates that if you have the determination as a little girl, to do these kinds of things for yourself, and as a teen, it really shouldn't have been any surprise that I could excell in court and college at the same time without any help.

I did things by myself and I have always been independent.

But this is partly what I think made some jealous of me and hate me. I guess. I mean, what else? They hated me before I ever had a bad thing to say about anyone or anything bad had really happened to me.

I think now, I wonder if it wasn't that my parents didn't want me to take ballet as some other group told them "no" and they were trying to direct my life instead. Now that I'm older, I look back and see truth in the idea. It's like some group didn't ever want me to do what I really loved, or only wanted to allow small things.

I liked playing piano and played on my own all the time and made up my own songs but I didn't like the couple of instructors I had. But they did try to give me piano lessons because I was inclined, however, having really bad teachers doesn't help.

It was sort of like we had all the talent and someone else had all the money. I mean, in my family, there is an abundance of natural talent and ability and everywhere I turn, something bad is happening to one of us out of jealousy from others. We were blessed with gifts and prevented from having money or being able to make our money from our own talents and abilities.

My mother just got home from church and her eyes are totally outlined with a distinct black line. She's shaky too. I wanted to go with her to church and not have her alone but didn't and seriously...

We're being tortured.

My parents need someone with a lot of money to help I think, because they have a lot of gifts and talents but they're being oppressed and the FBI is involved.

I think I've written about going en pointe barefoot before but don't remember learning how to do the karate kick stuff or trying. I know I asked to take karate lessons and they said no.

We also used to jump from the couch while hitting the top of our ceiling to make it dust down "stars". I did at least. There were little silver glittery things in the ceiling and whenever I brushed it with my hand, it would dust this glitter all over and I did this a lot for some reason.

How nice, really, for my parents to be willing to take such a low position to support others' aspirations for their own families. I just wonder if this is what my parents wanted or what they did because they had to and were forced to do. I was like the shadow kid--the one to keep in the shadows while they bring out the debutante, and honestly, I could care less now except that good talent has been wasted for what? so lesser talents can excel? and I would never ever care a bit if this did not immediately affect my life to the point of torture and kidnapping of my own son. Why should I begrudge anyone else anything? I don't care about comparisons except where deliberate torture has been done to us, and have to ask why. You are you, I am me--why then, put me down to elevate yourself when God would have both succeed and grow to their best and fullest potential. What I think God doesn't like, is someone using violence and threats to keep others oppressed. And truly, I wouldn't even reflect on any of this as being a "shame" and horrible, if my son had not then been targeted.

It wasn't enough to steal my talents and life.

The FBI had to steal my son.

And like I say, I am without any doubt it was others who committed the crimes, but the FBI ultimately is responsible for what has been done and allowed.

They are the middleman.

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