Saturday, September 3, 2011

Tea & "V"

I'm making sun tea today.

I also added a package of Good Earth tea to my cup of Lipton English Breakfast and it has a saying on it. There have been 2 in my drawer for months but I opened one day and the saying on it is:

"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it." --Unknown.

I read from the Bible last night but I'll spare you all. I read several different sections. It was after the bad feeling had passed but I still wanted to read some scripture.

I have been trying out this prostration thing and it's really not much different than praying on your knees, and God (I think, or believe) hears us even when we're walking, or eating, or on the toilet...but I notice where I am at if I have just woken up and then that morning I feel too tired to extend myself all the way across the floor. I mean, sometimes I've just knelt, but I think it helps me to notice that if I am not "feeling" like doing this, that's when I should it because even if it is an effort, if I can't do this, maybe I'm feeling lazy that day. Not to say it has to be every day, or for everyone either. But I think since it's newer to me, it helps me to focus a little bit more on why I'm doing what I'm doing. Usually it's just for a few minutes.

So yesterday, I did it in the morning and then after I felt the bad feeling, I did it again, that evening.

I felt good about mailing my motion to court for my son, and about my passport mailing. And I thought about what I had said as I walked and I didn't really notice much until I passed this peach pit in the road. I wondered about it, but that was all. And then I was at my place and something just started to set in that was not right.

I stopped the Blood Diamond movie and prayed that God would direct everything I did in choosing movies, to what I thought, and everything. And I prayed for my son and for myself to do the right thing for the rest of the evening and whatever God would like, and I asked forgiveness for swearing at one point in the day but it wasn't a long prayer. And then I got up did something small, and when I got back, I then decided I would watch a comedy instead of the rest of Blood Diamond and I fastforwarded and it stopped and that's when I saw this boy right at the part where he raises up his arms into a V. Then he's on this horse or bull or something and being told to bear down.

I guess it meant something to me because I was looking at the spine of the VHS and it had a "V" on the sticker. Like, just a label sticker. And yesterday, when I was writing my motion, out of love for my son, despite repeated violations of my rights to not be medicated and not be tortured, I was finishing right before my 1 hour was almost up.

I worked so fast yesterday, I didn't think about anything. I didn't plan out, or think ahead, and I didn't think I was having to go into town to print either. So I did it as fast as possible and then it said I had 5 minutes left. I was still writing my copy of service page and adding an address.

I had 2 minutes left and I went as fast as I could, to my hotmail, and then I highlighted the whole text of what I had written, and then I copied it into a new email to myself and I quickly added my name and then I was so pressed for time I had to put something in for the title and I, without even thinking, just hit a key. I didn't think first about what key it was and then I looked to see and it was "v". So I hit "send" and it went to me. Then I went to the email for the koch firm and did the same thing and since I did it the first time, I sent it with a "v" to the koch firm. And finally, I coudn't believe I had a few seconds left, so I quickly looked up the AG in wenatchee and all I had was tomas's address so I sent it off to him with a "v".

I managed to get 3 v's out and then I was almost shaking, standing there at the counter. I had to make a couple of copies and then organize the paper and get it off into the mail. So I was almost shaking and trying not to cry as I thought about my son. Then I didn't even know how many pages it was going to be per person and I just threw things together and it turned out to be 11 pages total so I numbered them all and then I had to go back and renumber. I had put the copy of service not at the back, and I thought, oh who cares, but my slight perfectionist side came in and I grabbed it and it was page 7 and I had to renumber it and put it at the back for page 11.

So this is just to say how rushed I was for time, I was hardly thinking straight. So I was walking home and thinking how weird that I somehow, not meaning to, hit "v" for the title of the Motion for my son.

And then after I saw the footage of boys being used to be turned into soldiers, and then prostrated myself to pray...

When I got up and saw this boy with his arms triumphantly in the air in a "V", I knew, this is God.

This is what the "v" is about.

I hadn't even meant to make that the title, I just didn't have enough time to write a word and it just happened that this is what I somehow ended up with. So to me, it was meaningful. I think normally too, I might have hit a key with my right hand, but I was on this computer where the space bar made this really loud annoying sound on one side so I was only spacing with my left thumb instead of my right for that hour so I think it got my mind to think of my left hand as dominant for a minute....I don't know. I can't really explain it. It just happened and then I was happy to think about it later.
I laughed a lot, out loud, but I still could tell there was something bad going on. I sensed it the whole time while I was laughing in the first part of the movie.

I forgot how funny it is.

One thing I thought about, is that in my situation with my son, I'm definitely not willing to do any kind of joint custody anything. It would never work, period, and there is no reason for it either. He's my son, and he was wrongfully taken from me. I don't have to "share custody" with a husband or ex-husband and that's it.

With all of the effort I made at visitation and living in a crappy town just to try to get my child and visit him, I believe if the Avilas care about him, they will gladly be willing to make the trips to visit and see him when he is returned to me. If I can do it, all on my own, while being tortured and harassed, and while I had zero income because I was forced out of work...Um, yeah...they can do it too. And it would be a good measure of how much they do care, because as long as they've had him, he's been in daycare by their house and out of all of them, not one of them bothered to take him to the Y to swim, or to the library for storytime, or to the playground for playdates with other kids as I did. No one went to a mommy-and-me co-op preschool with him, as I did with my son, and no one has ever and will ever care for my child the way I do.

The State of Washington and federal government withheld evidence that is unthinkable to withhold. What they did was not only grounds for overturning the whole thing (if they hadn't gotten away with drugging and medicating me out of my mind they know I would have fought it earlier)...and it's not only grounds for civil lawsuit, what they did was totally illegal. They committed crimes and should be investigated.

I don't know how anyone who reads my motion, with my sworn declaration attached, would be able to pass this off as "no big deal". If they do, I would start looking at all of their activities and put a P.I. on them, because they're hiding other weird secrets as well.

I also have a RIGHT to know who the "guardian" is that has been consenting or allowing me to be medicated and drugged from one coast of the U.S. to the other. I definitely have a better idea at this point, but I still think someone else is involved because there wasn't any kind of guardianship at least, when I was on the East Coast before a psych eval.

It's completely illegal to hide this from me.

I know I was medicated and drugged on the East Coast. I was also medicated and drugged (as well as poisoned), on the West Coast.

I went from being a writer of poetry, and decent poetry at that, to a writer of crap. I went from being reserved and private as I usually am, to taking all these photos of myself with my eyes glazed, droopy, and totally out of my right mind.

I wasn't out of my right mind because I was mentally ill. I was being DRUGGED. Not only that, I was tortured. So yeah, and someone still hasn't figured how to stop yet. I know I'm tossing this laptop when I have the money, because ever since Chris Rozollo had his hands on it, it's been a lethal weapon. The guy is a punk. An immoral, rude, and lying punk who was disappointed to find out I had a friend who was going to bail me out of jail. His buddies at the courthouse handed me razors when I was leaving my next hearing. I think it was their way of saying keep your mouth shut. That was the "hearing" for supposedly Grand Auto Theft. Yeah. I stole a car.

I need to get some things back from Seattle now that I think about it. I still have things being held for me and I will have to get that taken care of and let them know they can send my things back to me now.

But yes, this was for the bogus charge of auto theft, which they knew was bogus. They stole my handheld camcorder from me and deleted my evidence (which was then legal) of my visits with my son.

They are all a bunch of crooks.

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